Lost in an everlasting love
by fra235
Summary: Rossi confronts Hotch on his behaviour. On how he deceives the woman he loves and his reasons for that behaviour. While this is a Hotch/Prentiss paring, it is mainly about a conversation between two friends, Rossi and Hotch.
1. Chapter 1

AUTOR: fra235  
TITLE: LOST IN AN EVERLASTING LOVE

RATING: T  
CATEGORIA: Romance/ friendship  
WARNING: /  
PAIRING: Hotch/Prentiss  
SPOILERS: Season 7  
DISCLAIMER: Criminal Minds is not mine. (unluckily)

NOTE: Special thanks to HGRHfan35

and Faith On Mars Enjoy

_When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others.  
__Oscar Wilde_

"Can't you stay here with me a little longer?" he says, watching the brunette walking around the hotel room picking up her clothes.

"I'm sorry, Honey! You know I'm on a lunch break, too! I need to get back to the office!" she answer with a smile colouring her voice, entering the bathroom and turning on the shower.

Suddenly, he was at her back hugging her tight, Hotch kisses her slender neck, and she loses herself for a second, before turning around and pushing him away and outside the bathroom; ordering him, smiling, to not join her in the shower.

"You need to get back to the office, too! What would you say to your team if they ask why your lunch breaks are so long nowadays?"

"My team see, what I want them to see!" he says, while searching for a sock under the bed giving her a very nice view of his backside.

The Unit Chief arrived after lunch break, crossing the bullpen swiftly saying a quick hello to his Team who are gathered around Prentiss' old desk. He enters his office and sits down grabbing the next file on his ever growing pile, determined to get most done before it is time to go home to Jack. After a knock on the door jamb Dave enters and like always he sits in the chair in front of Hotch like he belongs there.

"Did you had a good lunch? Have you eaten in that new Greek's restaurant at the corner?" he say with flat voice.

"Lunch was wonderful! Thank you for the advice, Dave! Beth was very enthusiastic. She really loves the South European foods" Hotch says, while observing the papers spread on his desk.

"Really? I'm happy when I can help!" adds Dave with a strange intonation to his voice.

Dave stands up and walks to the door, while Hotch breathes a sigh of relief.

"Oh! I almost forget… "Dave suddenly says, walking back to Hotch's desk.

"Beth was here, while you were at lunch with HER at that Greek restaurant"

A surreal silence fills the room. Despite it being 75F, the room suddenly felt like it was freezing.

Hotch looks at his friend with guilt in his eyes and mouth open, like he was trying to find the right words to justify himself.

"She was here, because she wanted said Hi to you, before flying to New York" adds the old profiler. "You are lucky, I was here and I intercepted her. I told her you were at a meeting with Strauss."

Hotch was frozen!

No muscle moved.

Nor did his eyes blink.

He was almost scared to breathe.

What could he say to his friend? What could he say to get him to understand.

"my colleagues see, what I want them to see!" my ass!

"Look man, I don't know what are you doing, but let me give you one advice: don't drag a relationship, if it is not working out. Don't betray her! Trust the old man! I know everything about it and I have made some really bad mistakes so please Aaron, just listen to my advice.

And second: if you betray your woman, pay attention to lipstick smirches on your shirt." Dave said, walking out the door leaving Hotch with his thoughts. And thinking he did, a whole flood of thoughts stormed his mind.

Only in that moment he realized how stupid, dangerous and hurtful it was what he was doing. Beth was important to him. She was his first relationship after Hayley's death. She was kind, funny, friendly and sweet to Jack. She was important and he loved her but was he _in love_ with her?

He knows very well how Beth feels about him, he knows very well that betraying her like this would hurt her beyond belief. But when he thought about _her_. . . when he saw _her_. . .

all logic thoughts went down the drain. With _her_, he cannot reason, he cannot keep a clear mind.

He jumped up from his seat and walked into Dave's office and closed the door behind him.

"You don't understand! You don't know what I'm feeling right now! You don't know who was with me at lunch break!" Hotch said. He wasn't mad, he was on the defensive.

His friend had discovered part of his secret (and covered for him). He's feeling so confused, so messed up. He knows he needs to talk with someone whom he trusts. He knows he needs to talk with Dave. "Dave…" the desperation sounded through in that one word, a cry for help.

"Have a seat, Aaron!" Dave says calmly.


	2. Chapter 2

AUTOR: fra235  
TITLE: LOST IN AN EVERLASTING LOVE -CH2-

RATING: T  
CATEGORIA: Romance/ friendship  
WARNING: /  
PAIRING: Hotch/Prentiss  
SPOILERS: Season 7  
DISCLAIMER: Criminal Minds is not mine. (unluckily)

NOTE: Special thanks to **HGRHfan35**

and **Faith On Mars**

Enjoy

The two men watch each other for long minutes without talking.

Dave wants Aaron to feel free to start from where he wants...

Aaron, doesn't know where to start…

After a few long minutes, Dave takes a deep breath.

"You know, I really should be angry. Angry with her! She is back from London and she has not come by once to say 'Hi' to an old colleague!" He says, leaving the sentence hanging in the air.

Aaron stares at his shoes and then raises his eyes to meet Dave's.

"How do you know it is Emily? How do you know she is back?" he asks in a calm tone, because at the least, nothing can surprise him with Dave.

He can try to deceive him but Dave knows, before Aaron does or thinks.

"Beth was important to you but only because Emily was your subordinate! The way you looked at each other, the way you talk with each other, your meetings in the office late at night after a bad case… are all normal things. But, clearly, not so normal for you."

"After an action on the field, who do you look for? Who do you search with your eyes during a conversation when you need conformation? Who was with you during the interview with one of the worst serial killers? Emily!"

"So you might want to tell me that there was nothing happening between the two of you during those times but you don't have to. I know!"

"You two had a understanding all during JJ and Will's wedding. You two, probably then realised who found the other person with their eyes. It wasn't only during cases but in a way it was a necessity to know if the other was doing alright. You always do this, even at a party. I think you two have realized a lot of things during the wedding.

After she left for London, you didn't smile anymore." "You took a step back. You didn't smile. You were not relaxed. More angry at work.

Until a month ago."

"I thought that maybe you took a step with Beth, maybe cohabitation.

But you talked to me less of Beth and more of Emily if she comes back; Emily was a good agent…"

"It was clear to me that Emily was back in your life."

"And a lot of little things, like your messed up hair after lunch break, your rumpled shirt in the afternoon. But, why betray Beth?" Dave said.

A heavy silence falls over the room. He gives Aaron time to answer his question.

Not an answer for Dave, but for Aaron himself.

Aaron needs to find answer for Aaron.

Long minutes of silence

Sometimes, nothing is as loud as silence.

As he sits there, Aaron tries to wrap his mind around the questions. Tries to find an answer to a situation that he never should have created in the first place. Why did he do this. Why betray not only Beth but himself and even Emily.

He tries to put order in his thoughts.

"See…

Beth took my hand, and brought me back in to the world, a world I felt no connection to anymore after Hayley was killed. Hayley was my oxygen, despite the divorce and the fights, she was my big love, the only person who I ever loved. She gave me my precious son but I let work get in between us. I was too blind to see that. You know….she had another man, before we broke up. Before you joined us again.

But I did kind of understand. And if I think back to that phone ringing but no one answering on the other side because I answered and not Haley….to hang up and instantly hear her cell phone starting to ring… I knew then. I knew she had found comfort in another man's arms. But I loved her…

She needed a person to lean on, and I was not there… and so, she searched elsewhere.

How can I blame her for that? Was I not the cause of our problems?

After Foyet's attack, Emily stayed at my side, she gave me that shoulder, that support I could not give to Haley.

We started spending a lot of free time together. We talked about nothing and everything, trying to make sense of that situation. But we didn't really act on our feelings until…

One evening, before Hayley's death, Emily was in my apartment and we kissed.

I pushed her away, telling her I was still in love with my wife. Hayley and I, we would get back together when all this with Foyet was behind us".

Long silence followed after Aaron finished talking.

Dave listened to his friend, without passing judgement, without pushing him to talk.

He want Hotch's to understand by himself who and where he was and what he wants.

Because only in that way he can made the right decision. The best decision not only for himself but also regarding both woman.

Sometimes, we take decisions only to please someone else. Sometimes, we need to stop and think about what we really want and not what other people want. And find the courage to do so.

"And then, Hayley was murdered!" adds Hotch

"Emily and I had sex one night. Sex. We didn't make love! Just sex to relieve stress. Is don't have to tell you what a mess I was. What a horrible time that was. Hayley was murdered and I felt it had all been my fault. My fault that Jack was now without his Mom. Without the woman that gave so much and still had so much to give. You were there! Emily was there! Always at my side."

"In the months, before she 'died' I was falling for her….but, while I fell in love with her, she began to pull away from me, from us all. She ran from the BAU, from the Team, from me…

She didn't call me anymore. We didn't spent any time together.

Jack asked me why she didn't spend the weekend with us anymore. If he had done something wrong.

Now, in retrospect, I do understand. I understand she loved us so much that she decided it was best to pull away from us to protect us and to keep us safe. But how to explain that to a 5 years old boy? I was ready to love her, but she was not ready to love me. I know she wated to but the pat got in the way.

After that, we all know what happened to Emily. Even after she returned she was too fragile to accept a person at her side. I tried to help her…

And… anyway… I started dating Beth, she helped me to start dating again. To love and feel loved again. Away from the BAU, away from stress and to just be Aaron. This is the merit of Beth. She showed me the way to been happy again.

But… you are right. I always search for Emily's eyes, I touch her when I can…

Because I needed to know she's alive and not leaving us again.

I needed to know she was here, with us, with me! She was not imaginary.

I needed to be sure, she wasn't a figment of my imagination.

And then something happened at the wedding.

While we dancing, we were alone. The world around us disappeared.

I hadn't hugged or held Emily since her 'death' and when she was in my arms again, something clicked in me. I thought my feelings for her were gone but was not true, they were buried by the events that happened to us.

My love for Emily was still there, stronger than ever!

It's sad, but Beth was... I put her in a corner of my mind. Still wonderful and sweet but set on the backburner.

The Monday after JJ's wedding, I spent the night with Emily on her couch just talking.

She is a strong woman but fragile at the same time.

She needed my friendship, and I declared my love and that was way too much and way too fast for her. So she accepted Easter's offer to head the Interpol office in London. But while she was there, she realized she loves me and so, last month she accepted an offer to work in her Mother's staff so she could return to DC. To be near me and Jack.

Why did I betray Beth. Why string her along?

I don't know!

Maybe because Beth is the most normal thing in my life and I don't want to renounce her.

But it is not enough! Each motive on why I betray Beth is superfluous.

I should not betray her! By betraying her I am betraying Emily and I'm betraying myself. Only hurt can come of this.

The lights in the other offices are off. There is only one light on the floor and that is burning in Dave's office.

The older profiler finishes his scotch.

A deep silence, rich of feeling, thoughts, doubts; marked by the ticking of an old clock.

"I'm sure, you know what to do!" Dave finally said.

"Yeah…" Aaron whispers, while a tear escapes his control and runs down his cheek.

It was almost 5am when a knocking at the door woke Emily up. She cautiously looked through her peeping hole first to see who it was before opening up.

"Aaron… what are you doing here? Where is Jack? Is something wrong?" asked Emily

"Jack is with Jessica, I'm here for you. To tell you I am in love with you! I cannot go on like this. I cannot use you like this anymore. To make love to you in those stolen hours and then return to another life. A life you are not in. A life where I have Beth, who is a wonderful woman but she is not the one I love!"

"I want it all! I want all of this with you! I want wake up next to you. I want to love you, laugh with you, fight with you if we have to as long as we can kiss and make up. I don't want meet you in a hotel room for an hour on our lunch break!" He says, entering the apartment, holding her close to him and kissing her.

"What happened?" she asks again, when oxygen got the chance to reach her brain.

"I talked with Dave, I understand I hurt too many people. Beth, Jack, you and myself included. I'm going to drive to New York this morning to talk to Beth. To explain my actions to her as best as I can. To apologize for hurting her and to tell her I fell in love with someone else.

But I needed to be here with you, before the sun rises on our first day together!"

_When __one has once had__ the __good luck__ to __love intensely__, __life__ is __spent__ in __trying__ to recapture that ardour and that illumination.__._

_(A. Camus)_


End file.
